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Vince Tornado

7 Things You Should "Noah" About The Latest Bible-Based Movie (2 Good, 5 Bad)

 
7 Things You Should
Posted April 2nd, 2014 @ 2:16pm

SPOILER ALERT: The following column contains plot information from the recent "Noah" movie.

(Photo: Getty Images).

Within the first thirty seconds of the "Noah" movie, I noticed two unfortunate things: 1) There were no such things as "The Watchers" in the Bible and 2) I salted my popcorn too much. Not sure which one made me more annoyed, but I digress. We'll get to that in a moment.

The Good

1) Russell Crowe is an incredibly skilled actor. He does a fantastic job at portraying what a frayed Noah must have felt like. Never once did he flinch or even once drop below an absolute fantastic and near-perfect performance. Mr. Crowe could be the sole redeeming quality of this film. I believe he was excellent and even respectful during the two-hour adventure.

2) The visuals in this film were nothing short of stunning. While many depictions of Biblical events often fall short, "Noah" provides a pretty spectacular guess as to the gravity and enormity of the entire situation. They did not skimp or cut corners in this department at all.

The Bad

1) "The Watchers" are these crusty-looking characters who are apparently fallen angels covered in rock and mud. They sound like they've been smoking unfiltered Camel cigarettes for a few thousand years. The movie purports that these "Watchers" also helped Noah and his family build the ark. Yeah, that didn't happen. Never is there ever any presence of "fallen angels" or these weird rock people helping build the ark.

2) "Ila" is a character played by actress Emma Watson (best known for her role as "Hermoine" in the "Harry Potter" series). While on a trek across barren land, Noah and his family notice a small nomadic tribe which was clearly attacked. With bodies bloodily strewn across this patch of land, a small wounded girl named "Ila" is discovered. It is said later in the film that due to her injury she will be unable to have children; however, with some magical healing powers from Noah’s grandfather, she is suddenly barren no more and able to reproduce with Noah's son Shem. While it is true that Shem had a wife, there is absolutely no mention of her name or the birth of children as portrayed in this movie.

3) In the film, it’s discovered that Ila is expecting a child with Shem. They found this out through some weird magical pregnancy test that made no sense. Well, Noah apparently received some message from God that if the child is a girl, he is to kill it immediately after birth. Ila surprisingly delivers twin girls. Instead of plunging a jagged knife into the twins to kill them, he kisses them on the forehead. Nowhere is this found in the Bible.

4) "Tubal-Cain" is the main villain in "Noah" and actually has a mention in the Bible (see Genesis 4:22). In the movie, he deals a lot with forging metal (also Biblically correct). However, Tubal-Cain’s role in Scripture stops there. In the film, he attempts to bum-rush the ark with his army. Despite a nasty gash in his leg, Tubal-Cain is able to make it to safety inside. He regains his strength by eating random animals, later attacking Noah and then dying. Breaking news! This just in from the BS News Desk: none of that ever appears in the Bible.

5) Shem, Ham, and Japheth (Noah's three sons) all had wives (Genesis 7:13). In the movie, Shem was the only one who had a wife and it was Ila – the randomly adopted daughter. Japheth was too young. But, the total Biblically inexplicable part was how Ham took a liking to some woman who had a thing for hanging around corpses. "Corpse Girl" – we’ll call her – later died as she was caught in a trap and trampled by a mob. Yeah, not in the Bible. It's at this point I was thinking: "What the heck did I just watch? I don’t know what Bible they have been reading."

The Bottom Line

When "Lord of the Rings," "Harry Potter," "The Grinch," "Chronicles of Narnia," and other adaptations were released, the complaint is always the same: "It's not like the book." With many downright fabrications and countless inaccuracies, "Noah" is absolutely not like the book.


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